Losing a parent is a loss experienced universally by nearly every person and is the most common bereavement experienced. Sometimes we have an opportunity to have our parents in our lives for a very long time, watching them age. Sometimes, we lose our parents earlier on. Individual relationships with our parents and the circumstances surrounding the end of their life and their death can vary greatly, shaping our grief as a result.

For many, losing a parent can be a profound loss especially if our parent was a deep source of love and compassion. In these relationships, it is not just who we lost but also what they represented. These relationships love us and tend to us in the unique way, only a parent can love and when we lose them, we also lose this attention paid only to us. 

Sometimes, relationships with our parents weren’t always harmonious or healthy, leaving us with complicated emotions when they die. We can be left wondering if things could have or should have been said or done differently on either side, with no future opportunity to reconcile this face to face. Feelings of anger or resentment can surface and these are completely valid. Any and every emotion is valid, there is no right or wrong way to feel after a parent dies.

Our parents can largely represent how we have learned to identify in the world and when we lose them, sometimes we feel as though we lose a part of us as well. We may be left with questions we never had a chance to ask about our childhood, about things only our parents would know. We lose the person(s) who knew us “when”, who largely shaped us as humans. 

When we lose an aged parent, it also marks a passage of sorts into a new phase in life where we now become the “older” generation in the family. This can leave us feeling bewildered, not only grieving our parent(s) and our relationship with them, but our youth as well.

Sometimes we feel as though we can prepare for the loss of a parent, especially if they were of an advanced age or moved through a prolonged illness. We feel there is time to “prepare”, but the truth is that we can never be fully prepared for the grief we experience. Many assume that since their death was an inevitability, it is “easier” to accept or process and that grieving our parents is unacceptable or not entirely appropriate.

While no loss is easy, the loss of a spouse or partner brings with it very unique changes and challenges. Everything changes after the loss of a spouse or partner, everything. 

Losing your spouse or partner means losing the day to day routine that you shared with them. Your grief may be so incredibly profound and sometimes debilitating. It can be found in every corner of your home you shared with your spouse or partner and can feel nearly impossible to escape for even a moment. 

Losing your spouse or partner can also deeply affect your identity as spouse / partner, feelings of esteem and purpose moving forward, unable to live out your collective dreams and life planned together. It is common for you, the surviving spouse or partner, to feel angry or left behind and even guilty for still being alive. 

For many, losing your spouse or partner can potentially cause a major financial crisis if your spouse or partner was also the main source of income for your family. This may require you, a heavily grieving spouse / partner, to make some major adjustments, at a time when it feels as though your whole world has stopped, to parent alone and return to work.

If you are a bereaved kupuna (elder), who was married for much of your life, you may be particularly vulnerable. Losing your spouse, also means losing a lifetime of shared experiences at a time in your life that may already represent a series of collective losses. Collective losses are innumerable and can include the death of your close friends, your support system, promoting feelings of loneliness and isolation. It is crucial that you seek out and accept support when you feel able.

It is natural to have core assumptions in life, to believe in a certain order of things. While death is incredibly natural and personal, it enters our life in a seemingly random manner, not always following the “natural” order of things. 

Saying goodbye to your child before you had a chance to see them grow can feel devastating. It may feel as though it is the worst possible and cruel experience you can endure. It may invoke an overwhelming sense of betrayal in the natural order of life. Being unable to bear witness to your child’s potential and fulfilling their dreams. You may be angry with having to bear witness to your child’s suffering and being unable to help, against your innate need to protect your child.

Illogical and groundless as it may seem, you may feel responsible for your child’s death in some way. You may wonder if you could have or should have done something different and if you had, the outcome would have or could have been different for your child. 

Being a parent is a vital sense of your identity. When you lose a child, you also lose a part of who you are and how you relate to the world. You may be flooded with beautiful memories of your child while simultaneously consumed by a persistent emptiness and an unimaginable void. Losing a child also deeply affects the identity and feeling of security of the rest of family unit as well. 

One parent may need to talk a great deal in order to process, understand and integrate their loss, while another may withdraw and go inward. While there is no right or wrong way to grieve and your grief is as unique as your child, grief does need to be seen and acknowledged in order for it to soften. Once your grief begins to soften, your relationship to your child, which can never die, will begin to take on a new form.

When you first become pregnant, you spend endless hours preparing the nursery, picking out a name, dreaming of what they will look like and who they will be as they grow. Losing your baby is absolutely unimaginable and the loss of your baby can be traumatic and leave you suspended in disbelief.

You may feel you have failed at being a mother, that your body has failed you, and you may blame yourself. Despite this being a very common feeling, it is very rare for something you have done to be connected to the loss of your baby.

Just as during your pregnancy, after pregnancy, you will be experiencing dropping hormone levels. These hormone changes can affect your natural mood, possibly causing instability and a rollercoaster of emotions. 

Anger is only one of the myriad of emotions you may be experiencing. You may be angry with your spouse, the hospital, midwife, family, friends or even other new mothers. You may feel wronged, feel as though life is unfair, or that you are being punished. These feelings are all a very natural part of your grief journey. 

Your body is physically changing as well. You have a postpartum body, which can be a constant painful reminder of your loss. Please remember to be kind to yourself, you have been through an enormous loss and you need as much time as it takes to heal emotionally and physically. 

In time, when you do start to feel better, you may feel a little guilty about this. Healing your heart and feeling more emotionally stable does not mean that you have forgotten you baby or that you are no longer honoring your baby’s memory. 

Grief can be overwhelming at times and you may find yourself moving between utter despair and glimmers of hope. It is absolutely acceptable to look ahead, even if it feels quite early on after your loss, Hope is a beautiful thing and can bring peace and purpose at a time when it is most needed.

If you have suffered a miscarriage early on, you may be moving through a very similar grief process. It is fairly common practice to not share the news of a pregnancy until you are past the first trimester, as miscarriages can be more common during this time. Unfortunately, this commonality further perpetuates the sometimes unhealthy practice of “quiet” grieving, as if it is something to be ashamed of. It is perfectly acceptable to grieve out loud, to tell people about what you are moving through, to grieve the loss of your baby you never had a chance to hold. Please be gentle with yourself.

Most falsely believe that losing a sibling is, in someway, less intense than any other loss. Sibling relationships can be some of the longest relationships you can have in your life. Siblings are the individuals that share the same daily routine of childhood, family traditions, holidays and birthdays. Siblings are often your best friends and confidants. They know where you came from and you somehow just expect, without question, that they will always be there for the shared experiences yet to come. Sometimes relationships with your siblings can be complex, challenging or emotionally charged and when you lose them, you are left to reconcile, not only your loss, but your differences as well. When this is the case, you may feel guilty, angry and even resentful.

After the loss of a sibling, sympathy is traditionally offered to parents, spouses or children of your loved one. You may feel as though you need to be the caregiver to those grieving around you. For this reason, surviving siblings are often thought of as “forgotten mourners”. 

You may feel as though you have to push your grief aside and “step up” to fill the role your brother or sister filled in your family. You may be feeling the need to find your “new place” in the birth order or within your family. You may also begin to wonder if you are next, particularly if you are moving through the loss of your older sibling. With the loss of your trusted confidant you used to lean on, you may feel particularly adrift and lonely.

Losing your loved one to dementia / Alzheimer's disease means losing them to illness, before losing them physically. Feelings of grief can be just as intense and complex when you lose someone to an illness. 

As your loved one begins to change before your eyes, experiencing anticipatory grief is quite common, You may be experiencing profound sadness as you move through watching your loved’s one mental and physical decline. You may be starting to wonder what your life will be without your loved one and yet be moving though the grief of having already “lost” them to the disease. It can be quite painful when your loved one no longer recognizes you or is insistent that you are someone else. It is quite common for individuals with dementia to regress to a time much earlier in their life and mistake their child for their spouse (i.e. their son for their husband) or even their spouse for a partner they had much earlier in life. You may be struggling with questions your loved one has, asking after family members that have already died, unsure if you should remind them each occasion they ask.

It is also common for you to have feelings of anger, resentment and guilt over caregiving obligations. When you are providing intense daily care, you may be losing friendships, income, privacy and time to yourself. You may be struggling with repeated questions, agitation or eventually needing to place your loved one in the care of another person or home in order to best support their needs. 

Your loved one may know that they are suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's disease and in the beginning, may recognize that they are having lapses in memory. This can upset them and make them angry and / or sad. Each loss of ability is like a little death for your loved one and for you. You may be grieving the loss of memories together, awareness and eventually your loved one’s personality and ability to communicate.

You may even experience feelings of relief. Many feel relieved that, after years of caregiving, their loved one has passed away or is close to passing away. Feeling relief that your caregiving responsibilities have ended is perfectly acceptable. 

Please be gentle with yourself.

For many of us, we have an unspeakable bond with our furry family members. The relationship with our pets can be an intense love. They are there for us through thick and thin, many times keeping us grounded in the present moment, loving us unconditionally.

So when we lose our pet, we lose routine, companionship, and all the joy and laughter they provided. Often times our pets added a strong structure to our lives, a comforting predictability of sorts, that we find ourselves missing when they are gone. Many of our pets keep us active and outside, engaging in activities that are not only good for our physical bodies, but also excellent for our emotional, mental and spiritual bodies. They can give us purpose and meaning in many cases and when all of that suddenly goes away we can find ourselves feeling a deep sense of loss and emptiness.

Losing our beloved pet can feel just as devastating as losing a human loved one. For some, losing your furry loved one may even feel even harder. This can feel confusing and often leave us with a sense of guilt for feeling as though we didn't grieve "as much" or "this hard" over the loss of a parent, sibling or friend. Relationships between humans can be quite complicated and messy at times, whereas the relationships with our pets tend to be much simpler and pure.

Depending on the circumstances surrounding the death of your beloved pet, veterinary costs can be quite significant. Many of us either can’t afford to pay mounting veterinary bills or choose to forgo the treatment. In either case, we can be left wondering if we should or could have done something different or more for our beloved family member. 

In some cases, your pet may have also been your service animal. Losing a service animal can not only represent a loss in constant companionship, but also in your independence.

Losing a pet often goes unrecognized, or is passed over by many, especially by those that may not connect to pets in the same manner that we do. This creates a sort of disenfranchised type of grief, which simply put, means our grief doesn’t fit with the societal definition of warranted grief. You may hear things like “It was just a cat” or “When are you going to get another dog?”. We wouldn’t dream of saying “It was just a child” or “When are you going to have another child?” to a grieving parent. So hearing these things can leave us at a loss for words, even angry, yet we often downplay or answer those insensitive comments / questions.

Since most of our pets don’t live as long as we do, the idea of moving through this pain and loss again can be unbearable. You may have strong feelings about never wanting another pet and that’s alright too. Just be mindful that a broken heart is an open heart, so try your best to allow your grief to be just what it is. Attempting to push our grief aside and block or avoid any possibility or situation that may lead to this grief again will likely backfire.

You may find it comforting to go to animal shelters to visit with the animals, frequent areas where other pets are, or where you used to take your pet. You may choose to find healing in adopting another pet and that can be quite beautiful. As with all grief, it is unique and there is no right or wrong way to move forward.