As you feel able, learn as much as you can about grief. You may discover that the more you learn about grief, the more you are able to “normalize” your grief experience. It doesn’t make your grief experience easier in and of itself, but it can help you to realize that you aren’t the only person to have ever moved through this journey. Understanding the grief process can sometimes make the unpredictable feel safer and slightly more predictable.

As you are able, tune in to and honor the times / moments when you feel you need to be alone. Equally as important is to also allow people to aloha (love) you. Letting others aloha you is not to placate others, but because it is what all our hearts need. It can be difficult and sometimes instinctual to shut others out. We may have the fear that if others touch our underbellies that we will break and that we need to “hold it together”. It is important not to remove yourself from the lives of others and if we allow ourselves to break open, this is how the light gets in to our hearts.

People will inevitably ask you “How are you doing?” A myriad of responses may run through your head like “How do you think I am doing?” with feelings of profound sadness or even anger at the ridiculousness of the inquiry. As challenging as this may be, it is so important to not give the packaged “I’m fine” if you really aren’t. When you are asked, be honest. Your honesty will help you and will give permission for others to help support you. Please do not worry about how others may feel with your response or if it might make them uncomfortable. We can not control how others feel and it is not ours to hold. This is your process. 

Communicate to others what you may need. If you aren’t sure what those needs are, that’s okay too. Whether you know what you need or not, the beauty in this transparent honesty is the vulnerability it requires to state your needs or simply state that you are struggling and don’t know what you need. Vulnerability is not weakness. There is incredible strength found in vulnerability if we allow for it. It is about accepting and embracing our human experience.

Grief can leave you feeling frozen and stoic, a functional freeze of sorts. Try to remember that ignoring our inner struggle doesn’t make it disappear. Ignoring our inner struggle only deepens its roots within us, so try to surrender to the grief. There are many ways you are able to “move” the grief through your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual body. If you are able, finding someone who can listen to your story. Talking about your loved one’s life, your relationship with your loved one, and your loved one’s death can be quite cathartic. If you are a more private person, you may also want to express yourself through music, art, poetry or  journaling.

Crying is very healing, yet we apologize for crying and are even shamed for it at times. Please remember crying is the body’s instinctual way of resetting the nervous system. It is not weakness, it is not brokenness and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Crying allows our body to go back to a “resting” state, where we can begin to process the emotional experience we are moving through.

Gentle reminders:

If you would like to be in private to cry, excuse yourself from the people you may be with.

Take a moment to breathe and release. 

Please don’t apologize for a natural and healthy human response.

Some people find setting aside 15-20 minutes in private each day, gives them a structured time to allow themselves their feelings (i.e. anxiety, anger, profound sadness). Some set a timer that marks a defined period that gives them permission to let it all out.

So cry it out!

As you are able, accept and embrace yourself exactly where you are and with what you are feeling. The grief journey has many intense feelings and we can very easily slip into the “I should be feeling better by now” or “I can’t fall apart right now” or “I have to stay strong.” If we are able, simply bearing witness, without judgment, to how we are feeling can be an incredible act of love toward ourselves and allows us the release. 

The grief journey takes energy and you may physically, mentally and emotionally tire easily. Slowing the pace of your life down can be very helpful. Sometimes comfort foods can be just the grounding we need to help us feel supported and anchored. Give yourself permission to rest as you are able. 

When not resting, mild exercise partnered with good nutrition and hydration can best support your physical and emotional body as you move through your grief journey. Give yourself what you feel you need when you need it. Remember it is a delicate balance, please be gentle with yourself.

Grief can be incredibly isolating and you may feel like you are the only one that has ever felt this much pain. The experience can leave you feeling frozen and stoic, a functional freeze of sorts. Try to remember that what we resist, persists, so try to surrender to the grief. There are many ways you are able to “move” the grief through your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual body. Faith is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to go on when fear is present. 

When you are ready, seeking out those that have had similar experiences can be very supportive to your grief journey. Talking about your loved one’s life, your relationship with your loved one, and your loved one’s death can be quite cathartic. These individuals can understand and can “speak” your heart language. Having your pain seen and seeing it in others who are walking the same path can be a great comfort, even medicine for both your body and soul. Being among those that have moved through similar experiences can be evidence that survival and growth through the grief process are not only possible, but inevitable. Others that have shared experiences, who may be further along on their grief journey, can hold this hope when you are unable. If you prefer in person, grief support groups may be a good place to begin. 

If you are a more private person and prefer to read about another's journey, books can be lovely companions as well. You may also be drawn to express yourself through music, art, poetry or  journaling.

Try to remember that focusing on your self is not selfish. Sometimes getting out of our own heads can be just the break we need. Our thoughts create our emotions, so involving yourself in work or a meaningful activity can help shift your emotional space for the better. This can help you to maintain some sense of direction, control, and purpose through your grief journey. Many find volunteering, or being of service to others, very supportive to their own journey.

Please don’t be afraid to laugh again and when you do, please don’t be critical of yourself for doing so. Laughter is good medicine. Allow yourself to experience fun opportunities for diversion and an injection of freshness when you feel ready. Children and pets can be great providers of joy and laughter, beautiful reminders to stay in the present moment as you are able.